Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
