I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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