Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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