my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
