DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
