I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
