I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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