It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i would punch a child for taco bell
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
