Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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