I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
