Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize