We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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