There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize