mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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