apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
