i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
sarcasm needs its own font
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
