Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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