did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
