i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
