My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
sarcasm needs its own font
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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