I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You can't special order awesome
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
