please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
