I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
