Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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