If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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