you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I want to fling myself into the sun
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
There's even glitter on my cock...
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