There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
What a dumb baby whore.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
