Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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