all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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