Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
