So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
