i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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