Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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