I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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