Acid is not a monday night drug
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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