you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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