Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
