I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I cut my penus on the lid.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
