and she was petting her beer can
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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