Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
