who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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