i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
