i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize