Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
