Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
