I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
