Cold hands, warm shart.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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