i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
