Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
