I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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