Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
