I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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