why do cheetos always look like penises
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
