i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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